Who is CAPTAIN PUNISHMENT? (As voiced by MAC WELCH)
Why, he’s the greatest super-action-hero of all time. Well, maybe not the greatest, but he’ll do in a pinch.
Below is the "SECRET ORIGIN" of THE CAPTAIN ADVENTURE HOUR’S star. Enjoy!
Francis C. Townhouse, the man who would eventually be known as anti-hero extraordinaire CAPTAIN PUNISHMENT, was born in Skagg City, USA, on the dingy Lower East Side. Townhouse was raised by loving parents who died at an early age in a mysterious clogging accident one night at the local Irish watering hole, McStabbie’s. The facts of the case remained closed to this day, but rumors still circulate in certain neighborhood circles that Eugene and Eunice Townhouse were killed because of their amazing dance skills. Jealously from the other contestants may have played large role in what has been come to be known as the “McStabbie’s Cloggin’ Calamity”. Every year on the anniversary of that fateful incident, a moment of silence is held at McStabbie’s in honor of Eugene and Eunice and their inspirational art form. Sniff, sniff.
Ahem, shortly after his parent’s death, Francis moved in with an auntie “By marriage” Ida Henry in the Harlem section of Skagg City. Ida was a tough, old, widowed woman who loved nothing more than to lay the law down on what she often referred to as her “Sweet Evil Honky Punk ass”. It is believed that it was Ida’s positive influence that made Townhouse the hero he would eventually become. Just after Francis graduated high school he was suddenly dumped by the neighborhood "beej queen" Beulah Gives-it-up-ski, and sunk into a deep depression. After getting fired from several fast food jobs, the morose young man made the decision to join the army.
Townhouse was a perfect fit for the military and within a few years had not only climbed in rank but had received several accolades as well. Townhouse soon got the attention of a young up-incoming Black OPS commander known as Mick Fierce who quickly drafted the young star. The years Townhouse spent with Fierce as a “wetworks” officer are obviously classified which doesn't help us out here. What is known, is that an agent F.C. Townhouse was also secretly known as an operative codenamed “The Mole”. This international spy is rumored to have committed countless nefarious acts during his years of service. It has never been publicly proven that Francis Townhouse and “The Mole” have any connection but when it smells like a turd…you get the point.
Francis Townhouse returned to Skagg City sometime in the late 1990’s where he quickly joined the Skagg City Police Department. Not long after that, he met then married Suzie Boogula in what some have said was a one night stand gone awry. The couple would produce one offspring, a boy named Basty Tarkin Townhouse. In an interesting turn of events, Basty was one of the first documented cases of what is now commonly known as the “A-Gene”. The metamorphic cell which creates “Anomalies” or humans with special powers. Basty’s unique ability to defecate fire was a burden on his parents as they tried to keep their mongoloid son a secret. Another obstacle for the couple was Basty's reverse aging which made childbirth painfully interesting for Suzie. Townhouse worked for the SCPD for years, smothering under the pressures of marital bliss.
One hot summer night, Italian Mafioso head Vincent “The Grease” Barbarino and his associate, the Iris terrorist known only as Dartboard, met the freakish hustler known as the Squawk in a back room of Big Buddha Daddy’s Strip Club. The three gentlemen enjoyed drinks, and nudity as they brokered a large coke deal. The deal however was terminated when Barbarino electrocuted the Squawk with his mystical ‘zapping’ powers. As Barbarino and Dartboard tried to flee, they are confronted by officer Francis Townhouse. Who coincidentally happened to be at the club stripping to make extra cash. Townhouse fought hard and was successful in confiscating the cocaine but the two villains escaped, vowing revenge.
Unbeknownst to Townhouse that cocaine was actually for ubber-conservative bigot politician Senator Pete O. File who was secretly the villainous mastermind THE DARK LORD OF THE STIFF. Pete O. File had plans to take over the underworld and the lost cocaine had cost him dearly. The Dark Lord orders Barbarino and Dartboard to kill Townhouse to prove their loyalty.
Later that night, Barbarino gathered his henchmen who consisted of Dartboard, the perverted maniacal clown: The Giggler, assassin she-devil: Cum-Cum, hillbilly feud creatin’ madman: The Shit-Kicker, and the original insanely depressed: Dr. Intense. The group converges on the Townhouse home forcing their way inside. The Giggler subdues Townhouse using a blast of his “Giggle Gas” right before Basty enters the living room. Barbarino convinces Basty to engulf a can of “Ass Busters” chilly which in turn causes the boy’s flammable ability to flare up. As Suzie enters she is also blasted with "Giggle Gas" and is forced to watch her son start to sizzle. The villains leave with Francis moments before Basty causes the living room to explode killing his mother and himself.
For days the villains submit Punishment to all sorts of endless perverted torture. Finally they take mercy on Townhouse by crucifying him on the “Tree Of Ah, Shit” located in Skagg City’s Bethlehem section. Clinging to life, Townhouse is suddenly rescued by the mysterious mage known only as Scrota. Scrota nurses the fallen hero back to health and eventually takes him on as an apprentice. The two train for months until the day until Townhouse is ready to take his revenge. Using a shitty T-shirt given to him by his son, Townhouse creates the costumed super-action hero known as CAPTAIN PUNISHMENT.
For the few next months, Townhouse systematically hunts down and kills Barbarino and every member of his gang. During that time Punishment meets the sightless wanna be hero: The Blind Aggressor, the Goth-heavy son of Satan: Demon Seed and the Click, which consisted of Bitch the Cat, Electric Pants, and the Invisible Tramp. With help from his new friends and Scrota, Townhouse manages to defeat the Dark Lord of the Stiff saving hundreds of people.
With Punishment now in the limelight his popularity soared. For years Punishment was Skagg City’s most beloved Super-Action Hero. Punishment’s battles became legendary as he took down great foes like Narlo Nasty, Shecky El’ Slasho Gasho, and Sour Man The Bugger just to name a few. In classic dramatic form, we learn that the Clown Prince Of Perverts the Giggler is not dead and plagues our hero as his main nemesis. From the endorsement deals, the movies, the toys, Captain Punishment was making millions but nothing lasts forever, and eventually our hero became complacent and lazy. Greed was his main motivation and over time he seemed to care less and less about saving people. After a while America became over-saturated by Punishment’s image and his money dried up. Various scandals and lawsuits plagued the drug addled the hero towards the end of his career and he soon began to make mistakes in his adventures.
Shortly after the new millennium Punishment disappeared. Most people seem to forget what happened to him after the non-threatening Y2K. All most people can remember is that they don’t remember what happened to him. Some say aliens abducted him, some say the government made him into a cyborg dinosaur, some say he and the Giggle retired in Fiji and are currently lovers. Hopefully soon this mystery shall be revealed.